I think there can be a lot of guilt and shame for parents and those working with children. We can feel we aren’t enough, that we are failing them, or that we might be making things worse for them. I remember feeling this very early on in our adoption journey and saying to a therapist who was working with my daughter and I, “I’m just afraid of making it worse for her”. Our therapist replied, “you can’t make it worse, what they have already experienced is the worst that could for them”. Of course that’s not always true, but I know what she meant. The fact I was asking the question meant I was reflecting on what I was doing and conscious of not making things worse for them.

If you have read any of my other posts you will know that my children were adopted at the age of 4, 5 and 7 and had experienced neglect and abuse. So much so that they had to come into care and then be adopted. As we knew some of what they had experienced we were very aware of the harm that had already happened, and so didn’t want to add to that by not meeting their needs.

The problem is for many of us living and working with children who have experienced significant harm in their childhoods, may not be aware of the impact that has had on them. You may be working with a 10-year-old that has been in a stable home environment for 5 years and so you can’t see what they have experienced. They have learnt to hide the impact, or they may, of course, have been able to move to a more secure attachment. Whatever you see in front of you may not necessarily be what is going on for them.

My son, who is in his early twenties just lost a job this week and the reasons for that are hidden in his past. As a result of his early experiences, he finds it hard to understand and communicate his needs. I suspect he has ADHD, which is undiagnosed and up to now hasn’t been a hindrance to him. Whilst diagnosis isn’t everything, it does answer some questions sometimes and give us understanding and tools to help.

There are so many things’ children and young people need from those around them. Those of us who are trying to make things better for them by listening and understanding them know how difficult that can be sometimes. They don’t know themselves, and then if they do, they may not be able to communicate in clear ways. In the Circle of Security programme that I’ve spoken about previously, it talks about whenever possible following the child’s need, and when necessary, taking charge. It is hard sometimes to know which is which. When do we take charge and take over, and when do we meet the child’s need. Children need us to take charge sometimes to keep them safe, but they also need us to allow them to explore and to come to us for protection and comfort.

What I love about the Circle of Security programme is that it focuses on the relationship between the child and parent and that what our children need most is us – our presence and attention. I see that so much as they grow and can see how important adults are to them. Not just parents and carers of course, but those in school and other settings where children and young people spend time. They need to know that the adults see them as individuals and will take the time to understand them, in order to meet the needs not so easily seen.

I cannot tell you the number of parents I have spoken to over the years who have struggled with explaining to others how their children mask the issues they possess to survive an environment like school. It is easier to know what children need when they are showing their frustrations openly, although I think those behaviours are often misunderstood too. But the ones like my three children, who hide their challenges are so much harder to see. What children and young people need is often an adult who goes out of their way to understand them and to reflect on their behaviours and consider what they might be driven by. Fidgeting in lessons, starring into space, not finishing work, needing to go to the toilet again, not connecting with other children and young people, not progressing in their learning, not understanding the verbal instructions, not seeming to pay attention. There can be many signs in lessons that a child or young person has other things going on in their minds and their behaviour is an indication to us of distress.

There are so many things our children need from us that it can feel overwhelming at times. As a parent that is hard, and I know it can be if we are working with children and young people too. Identifying those needs and meeting them can be a challenge. Like my therapist said though to me early on in our parenting they need good enough parenting, they need us to show up, be present, try to understand them and meet the unmet needs as best as we can. When we miss the mark, then repair makes all the difference.

One of the books I’ve mentioned often is Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and this talks about how we see the nature of children. This can make all the difference to us meeting their needs. When we automatically assume children and young people are being manipulative and controlling, it makes it hard to meet the needs they may be displaying. However, when we see that control is a signal of a child feeling distressed in some way, then we can have empathy and help them to organise their feelings in a way that allows them to behave differently. I highly recommend this book, as it challenges our assumptions about children and helps to re-think our approach.

So, in my reflections whilst writing this I want to end with some considerations on what children need from us. Whether you are a parent or carer, or someone committed to helping children and young people in some way, please take time to consider the below, within your context;

1. Children and young people need us to be there for them. Consistency and reliability are so important and really help to build trust for children and young people who have been let down before.
2. They need us to be ourselves and not try to be someone else. There is no good in comparisons – when we spend time trying to be like someone else, then we miss what we can give to the children and young people in our lives. They need us.
3. Children and young people need adults who will look beneath their behaviour to what is driving it. All behaviour communicates something to us and often children cannot express themselves verbally so it may come out in their behaviours. When we can dig deep and spend the time to get to know them, we will be able to meet the needs so much easier.
4. They need adults to be on their side and hear them. There is often the feeling of us being the grownups and they are the children, so that means we know best. In lots of ways we may know better, in terms of experience, but we do not know their lives – what they have experienced and how it may have impacted them. A great book that came out a few years ago by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry was called What Happened to You? This book tackles early trauma and instead of saying “what’s wrong with you?” to someone, we ask instead, “What happened to you?”. It puts the emphasis on the life experiences that shape us. Children and young people need to be heard and understood.
5. Children and young people need to know they are good company. We all want to know this – that people want to spend time with us. Children and young people are no different really. When we as adults, enjoy being with children and young people, they know it and it can build self-esteem more than anything else. My children still (in their twenties) want to know that I want to see them and spend time with them. They are also impacted by people they have admired all their lives, when those people want to see them and spend time with them. Time is something that is so precious and the most important thing we can give anyone else.

This week I hope you know how important you are to the children and young people in your life. I understand the feelings of overwhelm and guilt we may have sometimes, but despite these feelings I also know that they need us to be constantly there for them, to see who they truly are and to meet their needs.