I met with an old friend a few weeks ago and we’d not spoken for a while so spent some time catching up on events in our lives. After I shared a bit about the last few years for me and especially for my kids, she just looked at me and said, “you’re saying all this as if it’s normal!”. This made me stop and think about how we view our lives and I haven’t been able to get that sentence out of my mind since.

I know when I talk to other adopters, or people who live with a level of trauma all the time, that it does feel normal to us. That doesn’t mean we like it, or that it’s not stressful (as it is), but what we experience daily becomes the norm. Living at a high stress level is not good for you though. It can mess with the basics in life – eating, sleeping, feeling a sense of safety. It can keep your nervous system on high alert so that even when the external stressor may not be there or has reduced, we are still waiting for the next trauma to occur.

My friend went on to say that any one of the things I was describing are high on people’s lists of traumatic events. Death of a close relative, divorce, moving and changing jobs. That’s without considering the mental health struggles, housing issues and job challenges for my three young adult children!

My struggles have been put in perspective this last week though with the lives devastating by the fires in Stourbridge and all around the country. The first house I was born into was opposite the golf course where the fires in Stourbridge started and it’s been awful to see the fall out of this over this last week. Of course, these are things that for most of us we will never understand the feelings for people involved and it will take a long time for anything to feel normal for those families involved, if it ever does feel normal again.

What is normal of course? We all have such different lives and different experiences of life that it’s impossible to say what normal means. The Cambridge dictionary definition of normal says ordinary or usual: the same as would be expected. This implies that the people around you and how they experience life is what defines normal! When I am with my adopter friends my experiences are ‘normal’, they are understood, validated, known and that can feel very supportive. When I’m with other divorcees and we talk about the feelings and stages after divorce that can feel ‘normal’ too, even when we all might have different responses to our situations.

This afternoon I will be heading to a meeting with other therapeutic workers who are coming together to devise a plan to respond to the mental health needs of the Stourbridge fires’ families. Those families will all have different feelings and experiences I’m sure, but what will unite them is this horrendous tragedy that others who experienced the same can identify with. Creating spaces for people to come together and feel less alone can feel very supportive. The way the community has responded, largely, has been amazing. Charities and volunteers have come together to give any support they can to make this time less traumatic for the families involved. It won’t take away what’s happened of course, it won’t bring anything back to normal, but it might alleviate some of the pressures families are feeling.

It’s made me think this week about how we cope with the things in our life that feel unexpected, out of the ordinary and unusual (not normal). For me and I’m guessing for some other adopters reading this, our normal may feel very up and down and unpredictable. I’m sure other situations create this too. The roller coaster of our lives can feel always on the edge and waiting for the big dip to happen. So, I’ve thought of a few things that have helped me and I continue to come back to them in times of extreme stress.

Acceptance. When I look to others and wish my life was like theirs it doesn’t help and leads to discontentment. This is my life right now and that doesn’t mean I give up and don’t try to make things better, if I can. I need to accept that this is where I am and this is my load to carry. Of course, that doesn’t mean I take on other peoples’ responsibilities or don’t challenge anything. BUT I accept that this is where I am, this is my normal for now and it’s ok that it isn’t other peoples. I went on a dinner recently with some people I don’t know and felt very abnormal. They hadn’t experienced what I have in life (as much as you can tell from one meeting) and it made me felt very weird and threw me off course for a while. Coming back to acceptance allows me to be ok with where I am and what I have experienced in life.

Find your tribe.  Once you can accept where you are then finding the people who make you feel normal is important. Not everyone I spend time with has the same experiences of course but finding the people who can accept you for who you are and where you are at is life affirming. I have a few different tribes that I can tap into who can relate to different aspects of my life and when I can spend time with them, I feel seen and heard.

Reach out for help. There have also been times when I’ve needed to recognise that I can’t do it on my own or even with my tribe. I need professional help or people who are experts in different fields that can help me expand my capacity to cope with my life and to move forward. This has been therapists but also books, podcasts, training courses in understanding the different challenges I face. For example, one of my children has been diagnosed with ADHD this last week (the other two already have a diagnosis). During his assessment the clinician assessing him suggested there may be Autism there too, which surprised us both. As I’ve been researching more about this, I can see this in his life, and it’s helped me to identify with his challenges and to know him better. A guy I’ve come across online has helped with this. A poet who has put his words to music called Chris Rewired. He has Autism and ADHD himself and just listening to his music has helped me to consider how this might feel for my son.

Look to the future. Whilst acceptance has helped me to feel some peace in the moment, looking to the future helps me too. I need to be able to expand my thinking to see a future where some of the current challenges may reduce. Of course, there’s nothing to say they will, but the tension of acceptance and action to change things is a difficult one. I am currently sat in a coffee shop in a new town for me after moving 10 months ago to a rural area. This has been such a huge shift for me and my family (not sitting in a coffee shop as that’s standard but being in this area). The culture is different, the people are different, the pace of life is different and it’s taking time to adjust. I know though that stepping out into new things is good. It can bring growth and a new perspective on life.

So, whatever you are facing today, whether you feel ‘normal’ or not I encourage you to consider these four aspects above. Accept where you are at and stop trying to wish it was something different, find your tribe of people who can relate to you, reach out for help from experts when you need it and look to a brighter future, whatever that may look like for you.