I am aware I have gone quiet again. For those who follow me regularly you will know I went quiet for a few years and then at the start of this year (2023) I resurfaced and began writing regularly again. I apologise that over the last few weeks I’ve gone into hiding again and for no reason other than trying to work through my own family situations.
As with all of those who know what this lived experience of development trauma is like, it can comes in waves. My children (not really children anymore) have hit another difficult developmental stage in their lives. I have talked about this I know in previous blogs. The transition to adulthood is hard for anyone, but for those who are wading through the treacle of early trauma it can be exceedingly more difficult.
I can safely say (and I hope this doesn’t create fear for other adopters not at this stage yet) that for us this stage has been by far the most difficult. There have been many challenges along the way – primary school, secondary school, puberty, relationships, friendships, challenging behaviours but I know that in relative terms our experience has been mild compared to many others. All my children disliked school in lots of ways but they managed to attend and plod through. For the years since the end of secondary school that has not been the case. Many struggles with moving into adulthood have ensuing, and poor mental health has been the underlying challenge that remains.
For me I have also gone through some personal challenges in my stage of life. Mid-life can be challenging, and I won’t bare all the gory details for you here but suffice to say I am looking forward to a time of peace and renewed purpose.
Why have I entitled this blog moving out and moving on?
Two of my children have moved out, into support housing which has been stressful and continues to be. I have moved out of where I lived into a smaller place with my youngest son as we try and forge a path through this next stage for us all.
I remember when I was the age my children are, and I moved to a foreign country to work. I had a very secure family base and confidence to make that move that astounds me now when I think of it. I was so excited with the independence, the challenge and the anticipation of a ‘new’ life that thrilled me. That is not the case for my children. Whether we can say this stage is different for all young people now I don’t know, but certainly for mine the fear outweighs the excitement of independence.
There are so many daily and weekly issues that I am working through with my children right now that the imagined peace for me seems illusive at times. It is there and I know we must look at the small wins and tiny steps made, to keep on track and stay joyful. I am hopeful that they will all be ok in their own ways and that some of the foundations of therapeutic parenting we were able to do (sometimes) will be stabilising for them.
I have no clear picture yet of what moving out and moving on might look like for any of us, but I am holding onto the connection we all have and praying we can all dig deep and find the resilience we need.
Whatever you are facing right now – be encouraged. You are not alone. I am so grateful for all the friends I have on this journey and the people who have helped me, and who help my children as they develop their own support networks. Reach out as much as you can – it does help!